The Hard Truth

Ah the glory of the hard truth posted online in a public format.

I spoke with G today. G who knew of my trip to Seattle and the why. G who knew the size of the thing I have for her. G who knew of 40. I called to compliment her on a fantastic article. We spoke briefly and she asked of Seattle just as we were hanging up. I said it went well, but felt that there was something more to her thoughts.

An email from her mentioned it again. And so tonight, the hard truth. The difficult part of partaking in relationships of this variety, I guess. The honesty. My favorite thing but not at all easily introduced.

I called and we chatted like we always do. She mentioned Seattle. And I said that she was more than welcome to ask me anything about anything. Wondered if she knew that. She wasn't sure she knew it. She got quiet. Said something about the way the universe goes full circle sometimes. Didn't elaborate.

In the end, she said that if it didn't change the way I felt about her that she really didn't want to know. And that is fine, of course; it doesn't.

But then she mentioned having tried the dating in different states thing and that she didn't like it; that it could never go anywhere. That she had recently come into thoughts or interactions with two people who, I guess, made this interaction with me stand out in the way the universe will sometimes do. I reiterated her place, her vitality in my life. That I want her in it.

We left it with laughter and light chatter about our upcoming meeting. Talked of wine and sashimi. All with the undercurrent of melancholy that I've come to know and recognize as G thinking. Thinking, but not ready to disclose. Uncertain, maybe, that she should.

I don't know. That sums it up: I don't know.

Oddly, she and I have grazed over the surface of poly stuff in the past. Neither really touching it, but I think those two people she mentioned played in to the conversation. She is so aware of how the universe works for her. It is one of the ways that we completely mesh.

And I wonder how it will go. I wonder of this fear I have that I will lose her completely. And how it comes on the heels of the deepest calm I've known.

I've gotten to her. I know that I have. I don't think she will withdraw completely. And maybe if I can find the right words or the right combination of words to express all this to her without chasing her off...

I don't know.