Pensive

I have taken the Nyquil again tonight. I feel as if the thing might finally be passing (knock on something) but my voice is still gone.

I get kind of weird when my voice is gone. More directly, when I can't sing. It kills me. I never realize just how big a thing simple singing is to me until it is gone. And oh, how I enjoy its return. My voice comes back slowly, all full of grossgrain quality, and you nearly cannot shut me up.

It is wrong, I suppose, to be so enamoured of one's own voice. But there it is. I am humble and absent of ego on most every other front. But I do have an amazing voice. 'Course, you should know that it took a lot of years in therapy to be able to say it without qualifying it in some demeaning way. So there. Even that addendum shows that therapy wasn't all that successful.

And so I am quiet and pensive tonight. Was somewhat playful earlier but that has passed. I've not tried to jump in and see what exactly is stirring below the surface.

Quite probably it is the possibility of my liking this girl and having that be ok. Even from this distance. Even with the poly assumptions in place.

Yes, I said poly. Recall, even though it is a public forum, basically, it is still my journal. Being brave enough to venture in to read means being brave enough to stomach what you find herein.

It is a not new thought process for me. Not a lot of information out there that is palatable to me, though. But, truly, can you be taught to love? Yes, I have dreamed of finding "the one." Haven't we all? Perhaps with me it is my head. My needs and wants so varied and diverse. Discussing the path of love I've known one night with a woman I said, "I think it is that I can't love just one." "Exactly", she said.

I don't know. I rarely know how I will feel or be on the morrow. All I know for now is that I am smitten in two directions. They conflict in me not at all. Both have been on dates recently and even that has not bothered me. I feel shorted not in the least. They both continue to advance towards me and I find room for them both.

In the end, this is all a picture of me moving more towards myself. A better understanding of me. I'll keep a very close watch on my emotions and feelings.

It just seems that I have been moving in this direction for quite some time.