Undone

I want to post something. To keep this thing updated, to stay bare for this space. But so much of what I have written lately is just too raw for this public forum. My introspection of late so filled with new discoveries and raw images. I am changing again. Madness in its new form.

That's what madness is for me these days I think. A peeling back of layers to find the raw thing beneath so as to nuture it and make it whole. God, I am loving this journey. I really am. Self-discovery was never so sweet. Never filled me with such power and worth. But these days that is all I know.

Anyway. A little piece of sushi from my brain a day or so ago. Do with it what you will.

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How is it that this can be happening? This woman who asks nothing of me can have whatever she wishes. My chest is heaving and aching with need. To be strong for her, to take her over invisible edges, all the while being … torn wide open, laid bare and weak by my need and by the rawness of her touch and response to me. Driving her. Holding her up. Filling her. Without my cloak. Without superman’s cape. Just a girl. Broken. Weak. Damaged.

And exactly as she wants me.

It’s too big, this thing. It’s so much bigger than me, to think of myself at my lowest common denominator and that being just the way she wants me. Being wanted without the guises that I project, she wants the parts of me that still bleed. The parts that seethe with an empty, powerless rage.

She wants me undone. She promises that which I crave. She is, quite possibly, intimacy so raw it breaks me.