A Mood Dark And Foul

1.2.05

I woke this morning in a mood dark and foul. Not bad, not mean. My head roiling with thought and words that I am certain will not come, I was figuratively tucked into a ball inside myself all day. I oddly have a tendency to walk much taller on days like this. As if I carry this weight in my mind with such pride, this cross I bear. I like it this way.

As per the nearly usual, there was a girl on my mind. Not one I’ve mentioned here. God, this thing is getting such readership. The cat is out of the bag now, and I maybe should censor myself at least on occasion. This one has me tugging at myself quite often. This one makes me wonder why I spend time in thought elsewhere and on other girls. This one makes me want to be better than I am, more fully me. This one reminds me how I long for the freedom of honesty without obligation. And that is so not the right word. The simplicity of honesty.

And obligation does fit in there somehow. Mayhap I can find the words.

We are trained somehow to think that if we love it is to be loved in return. Never is it love for its own sake. Never is it permissible to make someone aware of their affect on you without them feeling some sort of obligation. Love, emotion, caring. All should be freer of stricture than that. All should be freeing. But we are too possessive and clingy of our emotions. If it isn’t reciprocated we feel cheated.

And that misses the point.

And it isn’t only love. It can be wow I really dig you.