Chicago

So I bought a book tonight on Chicago. It looks really good and I think I'll use it a lot. It's called "NFT Not For Tourists guide to Chicago". Lots of neighborhood information. Like that.

So far, I like, used very loosely, several neighborhoods. Andersonville. Lakeview. Hyde Park, which is closer to work by a good bit because it's on the south side. Even Ukrainian Village seems up my alley.

But just now, I sit here all tired and yet will not go to bed.
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I have never been so completely open and unworried about a thing in my life. It isn't that I don't care. Because I do. I way do. It's this faith thing. This move is entirely not in my hands. Just like that little cross post down below. I am simply standing here. And all my life, all I ever heard was, "It isn't enough to just want something. You have to really work for it." And yet, in my life, that just has not been the case. Not in the big, life altering stuff and decisions. Faith gives me what it needs me to have. And it takes me, repeatedly, to where it needs me to be.

And I am okay with that. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nope. That's not it. Hmmm.... Aha. It's this massive distrust of anything good happening to me. I spent so long in the very pits of my own insanity that it became my warm safe place. Bright, green places weren't to be trusted because they weren't real. They couldn't be. Not when all I knew for so very long was the deep, moist, dank tunnels in which I lived. Tunnels crawling with monsters of my own creation. Monsters that were me.

That has always been my biggest battle with faith; trusting that such light can find its place in me. The truth of it is everywhere. I know this. But intellectual knowledge is hard pressed to hold its own against such a thing as abject, stark madness and all it teaches you. Like a beaten dog, even after all this time in health, I still flinch at the proverbial hand raised in greeting; waiting for it to strike me down, back to my lowly and rightful place.
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Ahh. See? Verbose. Finally. Maybe I should tell more folks.

Nah.